Want to be happier? Say "thank you"
Happiness seems like an ever-fleeting notion, virtually synonymous with the gold at the end of the rainbow, that is, non-existent. Sure, there’s momentary joy, but what I’m referring to is genuine happiness, a mindset and life outlook. The kind of happiness that pervades your very being and manifests itself through you seamlessly and abundantly. While I can’t give you a specially-tailored formula to find your everlasting bliss, I can equip you with a prompt that will shift your perspective and hopefully pave the way toward that state that we all seek.
The key to unlocking the door to happiness is gratitude. Express gratitude at all times for everything. I know how absurd this might sound at first; after all, why would we ever express gratitude for a loved one dying? We can be thankful for the time spent with them in life. How can we be thankful when we deal with a difficult person? By recognizing that we can exercise our higher faculties and cultivate patience, maturity, and understanding. It’s all just a matter of shifting our perspective because when we look clearly enough, there is always something to be grateful for.
In virtually all circumstances we find ourselves in, we can also find the opportunity to emerge as stronger individuals by using them as fuel for our growth. This idea has been around for thousands of years. Marcus Aurelius, Roman emperor and famous Stoic philosopher, wrote, “The blazing fire makes flames and brightness out of everything thrown into it.” (Meditations, 4.1). Another philosopher, Friedrich Nietzsche of 19th century Germany, echoed this same sentiment in the form of amor fati- “love of fate”. “That one,” he said, “wants nothing to be different, not forward, not backward, not in all eternity. Not merely bear what is necessary, still less conceal it…but love it.”
Loving an adverse circumstance may be a bit daunting, and I do not necessarily advocate it, but I do agree with the general sentiment. Confront, accept, and invite adversity and use gratitude to push through. I repeat, there is always something to be gained from every situation whether you realize it or not at that moment. Saying “thank you” in any way opens our eyes to what can we can receive instead of what we can lose.
So you want to be happier? Adopt an attitude of gratitude. Start by simply saying “thank you”. Thank you to the baristas making you your coffee, thank you to your pet for greeting you after getting home from work, thank you to life for giving you the opportunities that make you grow stronger, even if they’re not the most pleasant or desirable.
Thanks for reading,
Alan
Additional Resources
GRATITUDE IS A MUST, a podcast episode by Hindzsight, a creative who I’ve been listening to a lot lately.
Try keeping a gratitude journal. I’ve done this myself and have seen a big resurgence in the idea lately. The idea is that writing down your sentiments helps to relieve your brain, and it’s quite effective.
Visit my book list for suggestions on some of my favorite titles, including Meditations, which was mentioned earlier.
Social Media
some words on detachment
detachment.
it sounds like a heavy word. with it comes connotations of ultimate renunciation, a ceasing of all possessing. does that- not having- scare you? does the thought of foregoing all worldly connections make you reject the very idea? maybe you’ve got it all wrong.
when someone says the word “detachment”, we immediately tend to think of selling all of our personal belongings and living out the rest of our days as a wandering vagabond. simply thinking of giving it all up generates anxiety within ourselves- after all, how can we not have our favorite shoes, or our favorite book, or the people we love most in our lives?
but that’s where the real meaning is.
detachment is not about not owning things; it’s about not letting things own you (if you remember anything at all from this newsletter piece, let it be that sentence.) materialistically speaking, this is easy to see. we know that physical objects don’t last forever. your favorite shoes might get permanently stained or your favorite book might get irreversibly soaked. impermanence is the very nature of these things, of all things.
where most people have trouble, however, is detaching themselves from ideals.
we carry all this mental baggage of how people should treat us, of how certain events need to happen in a given time, of how we ourselves should be. basically, our model of the world is not congruent with the world itself, and this causes issues for us. suddenly we go from having control of things in the form of our minds to not having any control of anything outside of it. there’s a reason why Buddhism says that attachment is the root of suffering.
the remedy here is to release your grips on these inner chains of “shoulds” and “need to be’s”. remember, detachment is not about heartless abandonment; it’s about freeing yourself from any ties that keep you trapped in unrealistic expectations. a method that i’ve been experimenting with is to:
sit down in a quiet, organized space as far away from distractions as possible.
think about a circumstance in which i’m projecting one of these expectations.
allow myself to deeply feel any sensations that arise. does the circumstance produce pleasant feelings, or cause anxiety? it’s important to note that we can be attached to averse scenarios just as much as favorable ones (for example, always thinking that things will go wrong for us).
most importantly, i ask myself, “is it realistic"?” this is the biggest obstacle because this is the step where we confront our attachments and make the pivotal choice to move away from them.
the majority of the time, it’s not realistic. again, it’s crucial to come to terms with the fact that not everything will pan out the way you want it to. this last step involves reassuring yourself to drop all attachments to outcomes and let things play out naturally while you live as best you can.
of course, this process involves repeat work, especially for those deeply held attachments. it’s all a process of confronting, observing, learning, moving on, and healing. but as long as you make the effort to free yourself, you’re doing all that can be asked of you.
Thanks for reading,
Alan
Additional Resources
I’ve uploaded my 2021 archive (which was originally published solely on my website last year) which you can read on Substack.
A super interesting video on Buddhist non-attachment versus mental detachment.
Here’s a quote on detachment by Simone Weil: “Attachment is the great fabricator of illusions; reality can be obtained only by someone who is detached.”
Social Media
Things Aren't the Same // These Will Make You Stronger // The Most Important Choice We Have to Make
/ /
Things Aren’t the Same
One of my favorite song lyrics goes like:
“Nowadays, shit’s not the same.”
Simple yet straight to the point. It echoes a sentiment found in Eastern spiritualities, that one being impermanence. Maybe things aren’t the same in that we’ve accomplished something significant in our lives and circumstance are for the better. Or maybe we’re facing difficulties and we miss the old ways. No matter what it is, today is a new day, a departure from the times of past.
We’re reminded that settings, situations, people, and actions all change. Hoping for the same things from any one of these will inevitably lead to unsatisfactoriness. Consider this whenever you find yourself in trying situations or you have a hard time coming to terms with somebody else’s choices. The best we can hope for is to recognize that shifts will occur and to be prepared. Better yet, work with and accept them when they arrive, for the longer you grapple with something from the past, the longer you stay there and miss out on the now.
—
These Will Make You Stronger
What’s the secret to “leveling up” in life? Just like in a video game, the answer is challenges. As the protagonist of our own stories, we must face trials and tribulations to grow our character and get closer to the end goal. Challenges are the hammer and we are sword on the anvil. They’ll beat us up, break up, push us to our limit- but all this is to create the strongest and most durable sword possible. Another favorite of mine is, “strong seas never made a skilled sailor.”
My advice is to take any adversity (no matter how small really) and take that to challenge yourself. Driver cut you off on the road? Challenge yourself to not be so reactionary and give in to road rage. Did someone not follow through on a promise they made? Take that as something to work with and learn that expectations are not to always be trusted. Do you look around and find yourself dissatisfied with some aspect of your life? See that as a trial that you alone must endure and work to find a way out of that. This simple shift in perspective can actually empower you and legitimately make you feel like your troubles can serve for something instead of existing as annoying obstacles.
So don’t fear the hard things. Seek them out and use them to your advantage.
—
The Most Importance Choice We Have to Make
Every second of our lives, we’re faced with a choice- to do one thing or another. “Duh”, you may be thinking. But this is important. The path that we opt for dictates how our future unfolds. Are we making the choice that benefits us, others, or preferably both? Or are we choosing the path that keeps us stagnant, or downright destructive? Will you commit actions that pay your future self dividends or ones that will impede growth?
99% of things are outside our control. But the 1% that is is our actions. Make the choices that promote progress, peace, and prosperity. Everything else is noise. One of the worst feelings is acting despite well knowing that your efforts are better off directed at another endeavor.
—
If you liked this piece, why not consider donating? It helps me to sustain this project and create better content for you to learn from and enjoy.
Reading this but aren’t yet subscribed? You can do so below (it’s free!)
Question Your Assumptions // Show Up for Yourself // Excess Is Unnecessary
/ /
Question Your Assumptions
Revisiting the notions that we have about ourselves, others, and the world can be a massively beneficial exercise for personal evolution. When we actually step back and question the things we hold to be true, we find ourselves in a place where new realizations can be birthed and new perspectives built. Oftentimes we even hold outdated or flat out incorrect views simply because we haven't made the intention to dissect them, leaving them dormant in our minds.
Ask yourself from time to time: "Why is this situation/myself/person the way they are?" "How can I look at this another way?" "What is this trying to reach me that I didn't realize before?" Turn assumptions into conclusions based on reason.
Fundamental questions such as these can be so powerful to ask. Try it next time you find yourself in a difficult situation.
—
Show Up for Yourself
Have you ever noticed that when someone expects something from you, you tend to prioritize their request over other tasks that you set for yourself? Eventually it becomes easy to spend your life acting as a puppet instead of a sovereign person. When you live like this, it is you subduing your own goals and desires. For what? A lack of respect for yourself.
I know how extreme this sounds; I was surprised when I heard this myself and I hesitated even phrasing it like that and publishing it. But as I thought more and more about it, the truer it rang. We tend to be our own worst critic and abstain from going after what we want in fear of what others might think. As if having personal priorities is not a priority. In short, that is a lack of respect for ourselves. If we heard someone else talk about our own goals as if they were their own, we’d encourage them and then some. But when we say those same goals to ourselves, we don’t follow through with them- again, from embarrassment, lack of organization in our lives, whatever the reason is.
So show yourself some love, chase that which calls out to you, and mean it. Actually do it and see how things turn out. Those are the steps that create a blissful life.
—
Excess Is Unnecessary
What do you need to live?
We tend to think in terms of salary, housing, pleasures, etc. While these are by no means things to be avoided, we just as much go overboard with them. Basically, despite being at a comfortable place, we seek more and more. An extra $10,000 on top of an already handsome $60,000, or a bigger house just because your current one is already lived in, or a new iPhone because yours is two years old. Past a certain point, we already have everything we need yet we continually seek out more. Western culture has ingrained in us this idea of pursuing more because what we have will never be enough.
But what we do have is enough. As long as you’re at a place in life where all of your needs are comfortably met, you don’t need more. Excess is a trap. Invest in knowledge and experiences instead. Chasing after materialistic things is one of the quickest and easiest way towards discontentment, not the contrary. You don’t need much to be happy, remember that.
Who Are You? // Silence Is Sacred // Busy Does Not Equal Productive
/ /
Who Are You?
Photo by Annie Jiao
who are you?
really, who are you? you might say you are Jane Doe, or you might define yourself by your career, or who you are in your community, but does that really define you? the answer is that no, it doesn't.
if you got married and changed your name, or got laid off and had to change careers, or moved to a new city, your character would largely remain unchanged.
the reality is that even we are unsure of who we really are. we have a vague idea of our interests and what makes us us, but we tend to avoid showing 100% of that to others. as a result, our lives turn into a weird conglomeration of show and truth, and the show eventually ends up the clouding the truth that we believe of ourselves.
a good exercise is to habitually ask yourself: who am i? or if you want to start out a little lighter, ask yourself: is what i'm doing or how i'm portraying myself in alignment with who i believe myself to be?
—
Silence Is Sacred
Silence is sacred. Silence is the “noise” that growth makes. Silence can be a great teacher, allowing us to break free of externalities and listen to the world and ourselves exactly as they are, completely uncensored.
In the hyperactivity and connectivity of today, we’ve come to dread stillness. Results are expected instantaneously and idleness is to be avoided at all costs in favor of doing. But just know it doesn’t have to be like that. Listen and let silence speak for itself.
—
Busy Does Not Equal Productive
Busy ≠ productive. This is an error in thinking that I find myself falling into from time to time. I often find myself spending days on a project only to realize that no real progress has occurred. In my case, I think it has to do with a mix of perfectionism and avoidance. For me, things have to be as perfect as possible before I take the leap and share it with the world. And despite how much I love doing my projects, I also believe that it has something to do with simply wanting to do something forth sake of doing and not necessarily having a clear goal with it.
Like all things, though, I’m working through this and trying to turn my actions into a roadmap. So my advice to you (as well as for myself) is to act with intention and not simply for the sake of action.