some words on detachment
detachment.
it sounds like a heavy word. with it comes connotations of ultimate renunciation, a ceasing of all possessing. does that- not having- scare you? does the thought of foregoing all worldly connections make you reject the very idea? maybe you’ve got it all wrong.
when someone says the word “detachment”, we immediately tend to think of selling all of our personal belongings and living out the rest of our days as a wandering vagabond. simply thinking of giving it all up generates anxiety within ourselves- after all, how can we not have our favorite shoes, or our favorite book, or the people we love most in our lives?
but that’s where the real meaning is.
detachment is not about not owning things; it’s about not letting things own you (if you remember anything at all from this newsletter piece, let it be that sentence.) materialistically speaking, this is easy to see. we know that physical objects don’t last forever. your favorite shoes might get permanently stained or your favorite book might get irreversibly soaked. impermanence is the very nature of these things, of all things.
where most people have trouble, however, is detaching themselves from ideals.
we carry all this mental baggage of how people should treat us, of how certain events need to happen in a given time, of how we ourselves should be. basically, our model of the world is not congruent with the world itself, and this causes issues for us. suddenly we go from having control of things in the form of our minds to not having any control of anything outside of it. there’s a reason why Buddhism says that attachment is the root of suffering.
the remedy here is to release your grips on these inner chains of “shoulds” and “need to be’s”. remember, detachment is not about heartless abandonment; it’s about freeing yourself from any ties that keep you trapped in unrealistic expectations. a method that i’ve been experimenting with is to:
sit down in a quiet, organized space as far away from distractions as possible.
think about a circumstance in which i’m projecting one of these expectations.
allow myself to deeply feel any sensations that arise. does the circumstance produce pleasant feelings, or cause anxiety? it’s important to note that we can be attached to averse scenarios just as much as favorable ones (for example, always thinking that things will go wrong for us).
most importantly, i ask myself, “is it realistic"?” this is the biggest obstacle because this is the step where we confront our attachments and make the pivotal choice to move away from them.
the majority of the time, it’s not realistic. again, it’s crucial to come to terms with the fact that not everything will pan out the way you want it to. this last step involves reassuring yourself to drop all attachments to outcomes and let things play out naturally while you live as best you can.
of course, this process involves repeat work, especially for those deeply held attachments. it’s all a process of confronting, observing, learning, moving on, and healing. but as long as you make the effort to free yourself, you’re doing all that can be asked of you.
Thanks for reading,
Alan
Additional Resources
I’ve uploaded my 2021 archive (which was originally published solely on my website last year) which you can read on Substack.
A super interesting video on Buddhist non-attachment versus mental detachment.
Here’s a quote on detachment by Simone Weil: “Attachment is the great fabricator of illusions; reality can be obtained only by someone who is detached.”
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